


[Podfic] & [Fic] Bean Solution

by Djapchan



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Bean Collages, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Dialogue-Only, Discord: O Lord Heal This Server, Gift Exchange, M/M, Podfic, Podfic & Podficced Works, Podfic Length: 10-20 Minutes, Prompt Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-21
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:01:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27881913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Djapchan/pseuds/Djapchan
Summary: For WaldosAkimbo, who asked for A Bean Collage of Sandalphon/Shadwell.I cheated a little bit with this fill, but I hope it's still funny enough to make a good gift anyway 💚
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Sandalphon/Sergeant Shadwell (Good Omens)
Comments: 7
Kudos: 6
Collections: "O Lord Heal This Gift Exchange 2020" [OLHTS discord server]





	[Podfic] & [Fic] Bean Solution

**Author's Note:**

  * For [WaldosAkimbo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/WaldosAkimbo/gifts).



> A huge thanks to [entanglednow](https://archiveofourown.org/users/entanglednow/pseuds/entanglednow) for betaing this piece for me! 💚
> 
> Also, this probably didn't really deserve the use of the Sandalphon/Shadwell Tag, but the tag's existance alone made me brave enough to use it. 😎

**Listen** to the podfic on [anchor](https://anchor.fm/djap/episodes/Podfic-Bean-Solutions-by-Djap-encce5)  
**Download** the podfic via [mediafire](https://www.mediafire.com/file/zwlqqqp1sqkncqe/GO_Bean_Solutions.mp3/file)

 **Music:** [Silver Lanyard](https://freemusicarchive.org/music/Blue_Dot_Sessions/Bitters/Silver_Lanyard_1420) by Blue Dot Sessions  
From the Free Music Archive  
[CC BY-NC 4.0](https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/4.0/)

 **Sounds:**  
[Page Turn](https://freesound.org/people/flag2/sounds/63318/) by flag2  
From Freesound.com  
[CC BY 3.0](https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/)

***

Bean Solutions

"Thank you, darling, for helping me clean out my storage room."

"Pf, shut it. I am doing this for purely selfish reasons, angel, just so we're clear. The quicker you get your belongings sorted, the sooner we'll be able to move to our new cottage."

"I still can't believe we're really doing this, Crowley. We're finally free to be together."

"Yeah... we can even move to the countryside in our retirement."

"...that sounded far less excited than I think such an occasion warranted. What's wrong?"

"Nothing. Stop fretting. If I hadn’t wanted to move in with you, I'd hardly have asked you to."

"We have been moving forward with our new relationship at a very high speed..."

"Don't be ridiculous. It took you two weeks after the Apocadon't to even agree on a formal date with me and two whole months after that before you allowed me to kiss you. I'd hardly call that speedy."

"In relation to 6000 years of courtship, I'd call it quite speedy, actually. Besides, why the rush, my dear? Even if you are right and the true apocalypse is still coming, we'll probably have at least some centuries before Heaven and Hell will agree on anything to actually form some kind of attack plan."

"We haven't courted for 6000 years, Aziraphale. 2000 maybe, but..."

"Now don't be ridiculous, you old Serpent. I saw the way you were eyeing my wings back in Eden, when you thought I wasn't looking."

"You can hardly blame me for that. I hadn't seen such a fussily groomed pair of wings since the Fall. They were all fluffy looking and..."

"...you were saying?"

"Oh, don't give me that look. Vanity is counted as a sin! I was professionally curious..."

"Taking care of one's corporation is hardly a sin. Besides, you're distracting me, Crowley. What's really going on? If you'd rather we don't move in together...?"

"No! Don't be stupid. You're supposed to be the clever one between us. I've wanted to be with you for millennia, there is no reason for you to think that would change any time soon. Not now, when you finally started saying 'yes' to me instead of 'no'."

"Then what is it, dearest?"

"I just... I've been wondering whether they might be right. Whether we are truly going native..."

"This isn't about the move at all, is it?"

"No, angel. Living with you is something I've wanted for far longer than I'm willing to admit and we both know it. Just think about it: moaning about cocoa cups all over the place, books in every single nook and cranny of our home, a wandering angel who doesn't sleep and will keep me awake all night. One, who will undoubtedly spoil all my plants..."

"I am not sure your argument is convincing. I am sensing some mixed signals..."

"Stop huffing. I’m just teasing. I'll be able to feed you, fall asleep on top of you, fuck you whenever I want. Sounds quite appealing to me."

"So what is the problem then, if it isn't the move?"

*mumbling*

"I didn't catch that."

"I... It's the whole retirement idea. When we're together I'm fine, but..."

"Is that the reason why you've been sleeping so much lately? I thought you just wanted to fill your sloth quota…?"

"That's exactly the problem, angel. No more quotas to fill. Avoiding work and being lazy is only fun if you’ve work to do that you’re actually avoiding. Whenever we're not doing something altogether... I've been bored."

"I must admit, I've been feeling quite the same, my dear. As much as I love spending time reading books and cataloguing and restoring them, it's only fun as a hobby, not as a main occupation. I am missing my work with the humans."

"Really...? So... I’m not being stupid about it?"

"Absolutely not, dearest."

"You know, that whole Boop the Serpent thing isn't as cute from my perspective as you seem to think it is."

"And who exactly cares about your perspective? I think it's hilarious. You always get this extremely cross-eyed look when I do it. It's adorable."

"'M not adorable. 'M a demon."

"Who says demons on our side can't look adorable?"

"...bastard angel."

"Anyway, I think once the move is done and we've properly settled in our new home, there'll be plenty of opportunities to sit together and plot for a new occupation."

"...you really think so?"

"Absolutely... until then, hm..."

"What is it?"

"I don't know if..."

"Spill it. Is it something naughty? You know I'm always up for that..."

"Stop wagging your eyebrows so suggestively. I thought the whole point was to find something for you to do when we're not together..."

"Well, I’ve assembled quite an extensive toy collection over the past few centuries. I've been meaning to introduce you to-"

"While that sounds lovely for our future cottage life, it's still not solving the issue, darling. Tiring yourself out with your toys while I am not around, is hardly a good solution to your current predicament. It would only lead to less enthusiasm when we meet up, which is unacceptable."

"I love it when you talk sexy. Go on."

"Well, I propose quite the opposite in fact."

"...which brings me back to sleeping."

"Not necessarily. While we were packing up the contents of my storage room, I saw one of them earlier. Maybe I can find it again…?"

"You do realize that opening up boxes that we already finished packing for the move is a bit counterproductive, don't you...?"

"Oh hush. I'll miracle them back in order later. I think I saw at least one of them... aha!"

"Whoa, lemme help you. That looks quite heavy. How did I miss you boxing that up earlier?"

"You were distracted by snooping through my extensive erotica collection, I believe."

"Well, you can hardly blame me for that. What self respecting demon wouldn’t have been amazed by the discovery of an angel collecting sex books? Wasn't it you who told me about Gabriell blathering cluelessly about pornography the other day?"

"They’re books, Crowley. Of course I collect them. Also, I refuse to be compared to Gabriel, or Sandalphon for that matter. Speaking of the latter, I think this one features him, actually."

"...wha’?!?"

"You see, back when we were working for the Dowlings, we would spend so much time together and it was lovely seeing you so often, but it was also, well... very arousing to have you so close all the time, but especially so when Warlock was still young and there was not much privacy to be had to... relieve a bit of stress."

"Are we talking about angelic wanking here? Because that's a topic I'd love to discuss."

"Of course you would, you wiley Serpent. I am inclined to follow up with that discussion, once we finish here for the day."

"Don’t think I won’t hold you to that promise."

"Anyway, I was looking for hobbies that would calm my libido down a bit, so I tried to go for the least erotic things, that I could think of, which... resulted in this."

"Is that a collage of... lentils or something?"

"Beans, actually. It seemed like a sensible, easy to explain hobby for a persona like the naive gardener."

"It's huge. That's half as big as this room!"

"Well, I had needed to distract myself quite thoroughly. Normal paper sizes were hardly covering it for an angel, who doesn't sleep, as you so eloquently put it earlier."

"Is that really...? Is that one over there really Sandalphon?"

"Yes. Did I mention yet how cute you look when you squint like that? Or how much I appreciate that you finally completely stopped wearing your glasses in the bookshop?"

"Stop distracting me. I am about to discover quite a scandalous new side of you. Am I imagining things or is the other one really... Shadwell, of all people?"

"Yes, well. While he may have been called handsome in his younger years, his demeanor was always a bit off-putting for me with all his uncalled-for southern pansy talk, so he seemed a good choice for this purpose."

"Just for the record – I think I am going to go blind. I mean, warn a demon, will you? Why in the Nine Circles of Hell would you have them naked... in this collage thingy. Naked, angel!"

"Well..."

"Ew, and are they doing what I think they're doing over there? I mean, this one is just kissing, but... the one over there..."

"As you can clearly see, the distraction went only so far and after a while my mind would start to wander again..."

"So you're basically telling me that your solution to being horny for me and not being able to have a proper wank, is creating a juicy bean collage of Sandalphon and Shadwell getting it on?"

"I admit, it does sound a bit silly, when you phrase it like that..."

"You could have given yourself quite some atrocious kinks trying to battle your arousal like that, angel! Okay that's it. We need to counteract this whole disaster..."

*Snap*

"What's in the box you just miracled, Crowley?"

"We are going upstairs now, Aziraphale. First you're telling me every single detail about those angelic wanks that I missed over the millennia and if that's not enough yet, I'll introduce you to my favorite toy in this box. If that still doesn't take our mind off this, we may have to ritually burn this thing… what’s that smirk about?"

"I knew my pornography would get you going, dearest!"

The end


End file.
